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A Letter To The Commish: The “My Wife Controls Me” Guy

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Hey Commish,

Wow man, another year has flown by and Its almost time for Fantasy SZN again. Hope the draft isn’t the first Sunday of September by the way because Cheryl’s mom will be in town and we made plans to go to the lake for pictures. If it is that’s ok, I’m cool with auto drafting. I’ve been watching a lot of ESPN and even started recording Fantasy Live so I can really get ready for the league this year. I know I should have been more active last year but you know Cheryl was having a hard time after that bad experience in October when she died her hair and it turned orange. Had to spend my Sundays watching movies with her and I really didn’t want too but gotta do what I gotta do (ughh..). I’ve told her that I want to be able to let loose a little on the weekends with the guys like old times and she was cool with it. I just have to make sure I’m home before 7 for Super Salad Sundays. You know how serious she is with that. But anyway that’s neither here nor there. I wanted to get your advice on my first pick. Since you’re behind me I figured you be cool to help but I’m really thinking about drafting Saquon Barkley this season. I know he’s like some sort of sleeper rookie and all but I want to really shock the guys. Like really let them know I’ve been doing my homework because I know Drew wanted me out because he thought I didn’t take this serious enough after he made that comment about Cheryl and how she basically runs my life. (Yeah right lol). I’m in it to win it this year and you’re going to see that! I wont be able to make it to kickoff Sunday next week either though because we have to go to church that morning for Cheryl’s third cousins baptism. I’m sure you get it since you’re married and all but I will definitely come kick it with you for an hour on Monday to watch a little of the first Monday Night game. Cheryl’s going to bring some of her famous recipe alfredo so it going to be awesome! Let me know when you need the money for league dues and ill get you a check asap. See you Monday man!

P.S. Can you please tell Monica not to bring up Cheryl’s mole on her ear? It really upset her last time and I wasn’t able to set my lineup that week last year because of it. It was CRAZY. She slammed my phone on the ground and broke it. She can get a little emotional sometimes but hey thats women.

What’s Eating Rickey Rage: Vol. 1

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It’s week 15 of the NFL season and I have yet to find a legitimate reason not to utterly despise this league in the year 2017. The injuries are fucking insane and it’s the time of the year where fantasy players hunker down and try to rub out a win anyway they know how. The only problem is that unless you’re in some shitty fantasy league built by a robot your Waiver Wire has probably been gutted like a Turbo Man Doll in a mall toy store in 1996.

“So where do I go from here Rickey!?”

The only thing I can really say at this point is buckle up butter cup because you’re in for one hell of a ride. To be honest if you’ve made it this far and you haven’t been playing the waiver wire you deserve your fantasy football card taken from you and thrown into a dumpster fire because that’s where all your hopes and dreams are going this season.

People like that are a reason for about 20 percent of my rage and there’s a select few people that royally chap my ass in fantasy football. Here’s my top three.

#1. The Inquisitive One

We all know that one guy who asks everyone in the league who they should start this week. I enjoy this person to an extent because it allows me to give them misleading information because of how stupid they are to ask a competitor that question. We’re all in it to win it baby and if you want to get in that boat go right ahead and let me steer it for you. I put in a fuck load of research and the reality is that the average player dosent really have to. It only takes a damn minute to figure your lineup out and that’s it. If you really need to ask me weather you should bench Lev Bell for Alex Collins this week you most definitely eat pieces of shit for breakfast.

#2. The Non Shit Talker

Fantasy Football is a game of superiority. It’s guts, glory, and feeling the overwhelming joy of outscoring your opponent. This game was made for trash talk. Look at Michael Rapaport for instance. This guy is the absolute Fantasy Football Player role model (if you haven’t heard of him leave, just go now). Michael is talking shit when he’s winning and talking shit when he’s losing. It takes alot of skill to get on that level but if you’re not at least giving the occasional “Fuck You I Win” text after every victory then go play fantasy golf because this shit ain’t for you.

#3. The “I was too busy to set my lineup” guy

I FUCKING HATE YOU! This is the worst guy ever. If you’ve never had a guy like this in one of your leagues please DM me and shoot me an invitation because I’m on my way. Nothing is worse than getting a victory where you were up against four bye week players. I don’t care if you had lunch after church or you had family pictures, YOU KNOW THAT SUNDAY IS GAMEDAY! If you can’t take the time to go replace your players then you need to GTFO and FAST! I dont want any part of you in my life or fucking up my league. Focus on baking cookies and watching lifetime all day you shit. If Saturdays are for the boys then Sunday’s are for the men and if you can’t set your lineup after you agreed to play then give me your man card along with your resignation. Although a win is a win it can also become a win for anyone every week and that just fucks up the system.

So now that I’ve cleared the air it’s time for me to digress and get ready for due battle in my leagues because this is my shit and I wish each and everyone of you success as you March into week 15. Unless you’re playing me. In that case you can get fucked.