What’s Eating Rickey Rage: Vol. 1

It’s week 15 of the NFL season and I have yet to find a legitimate reason not to utterly despise this league in the year 2017. The injuries are fucking insane and it’s the time of the year where fantasy players hunker down and try to rub out a win anyway they know how. The only problem is that unless you’re in some shitty fantasy league built by a robot your Waiver Wire has probably been gutted like a Turbo Man Doll in a mall toy store in 1996.

“So where do I go from here Rickey!?”

The only thing I can really say at this point is buckle up butter cup because you’re in for one hell of a ride. To be honest if you’ve made it this far and you haven’t been playing the waiver wire you deserve your fantasy football card taken from you and thrown into a dumpster fire because that’s where all your hopes and dreams are going this season.

People like that are a reason for about 20 percent of my rage and there’s a select few people that royally chap my ass in fantasy football. Here’s my top three.

#1. The Inquisitive One

We all know that one guy who asks everyone in the league who they should start this week. I enjoy this person to an extent because it allows me to give them misleading information because of how stupid they are to ask a competitor that question. We’re all in it to win it baby and if you want to get in that boat go right ahead and let me steer it for you. I put in a fuck load of research and the reality is that the average player dosent really have to. It only takes a damn minute to figure your lineup out and that’s it. If you really need to ask me weather you should bench Lev Bell for Alex Collins this week you most definitely eat pieces of shit for breakfast.

#2. The Non Shit Talker

Fantasy Football is a game of superiority. It’s guts, glory, and feeling the overwhelming joy of outscoring your opponent. This game was made for trash talk. Look at Michael Rapaport for instance. This guy is the absolute Fantasy Football Player role model (if you haven’t heard of him leave, just go now). Michael is talking shit when he’s winning and talking shit when he’s losing. It takes alot of skill to get on that level but if you’re not at least giving the occasional “Fuck You I Win” text after every victory then go play fantasy golf because this shit ain’t for you.

#3. The “I was too busy to set my lineup” guy

I FUCKING HATE YOU! This is the worst guy ever. If you’ve never had a guy like this in one of your leagues please DM me and shoot me an invitation because I’m on my way. Nothing is worse than getting a victory where you were up against four bye week players. I don’t care if you had lunch after church or you had family pictures, YOU KNOW THAT SUNDAY IS GAMEDAY! If you can’t take the time to go replace your players then you need to GTFO and FAST! I dont want any part of you in my life or fucking up my league. Focus on baking cookies and watching lifetime all day you shit. If Saturdays are for the boys then Sunday’s are for the men and if you can’t set your lineup after you agreed to play then give me your man card along with your resignation. Although a win is a win it can also become a win for anyone every week and that just fucks up the system.

So now that I’ve cleared the air it’s time for me to digress and get ready for due battle in my leagues because this is my shit and I wish each and everyone of you success as you March into week 15. Unless you’re playing me. In that case you can get fucked.

Carson Wentz Has Torn His ACL: Try Not To Flip Shit

On Sunday the Los Angles Rams hosted the 10-2 Philadelphia Eagles who have been on a roll due mostly to the talented ass QB Carson Wentz. The Eagles found victory bringing them to 11-2 and clinched the NFC east with the dub. All of this is wonderful but the scariest thing imaginable also happened yesterday. Carson Wentz tore his ACL and is out for the remainder of the season.

For the Philly fans out there, I’m sorry but its not like you were going to win the Super Bowl anyway so the real issue here is where do Carson Wentz fantasy owners go now. For most leagues next week is the semi finals and before you start shitting your pants out of sheer fear we’d like to help you calm the fuck down and show you some good QB options out there that could lead you to victory in weeks 15 and 16.

Blake Bortles

“BORTLES COMBAT” sounds like a sweet two week team name to lead you to the ship and it just may do that. Ole Blake has been putting up some decent numbers in the past three weeks and has really connected with receivers DeDe Westbrook and Marquise Lee in the absence of Allen Hurns and Alan Robinson. Not to mention the Jaguars have the most FIRE defense in the league. The Jags will be facing the Houston Texans in week 15 who give up the 2nd most fantasy points to QB’s and travel to San Fransisco to take on the Niners in week 16 who are giving up the 4th most points to QB’s. Bortles is owned by 35% of fantasy managers in Yahoo leagues. If he’s on your waiver wire pick him up and “FINISH THEM”!

Joe Flacco

Despite his mediocre (or as he likes to think “Elite”) performances this past season, Joe has some favorable QB matchups throughout the remainder of the playoffs. With the winless Browns in week 15 giving up the 6th most points to QB’s and the Colts in week 16 for the Championship giving up the 9th most points to QB’s, what’s not to love? Now we all know that Alex Collins has really stolen the show but with Flacco’s increased targeting to Mike Wallace and Jeremy Maclin I think he’s about the best bet for Wentz owners this late in the season. Flacco has 14% ownership in Yahoo leagues.

Mitchell Trubisky (For The Bold Ones)

Now before you completely discredit my Fantasy Football knowledge hear me out. Mitchell hasn’t been anything spectacular this season in no way, shape, or form. However he is coming off of his best game of the season to a defense that gives up only the 22nd most points to QB’s. Call it the Bengals fluke or you can say that Mitchell is starting to get into rhythm with this “meh” Bears offense. Mitchell and The Bears will face the Detroit Lions in week 15. I don’t personally see Mitchell breaking 20 in this game due to them only giving up the 18th most points to QB’s but at the end of the day double digits should come. What I really like about this play is that the Bears play the Browns in week 16 and that’s when the sparks should fly. How amazing would it be if you could win your league with Mitchell Fuckin Trubisky!? Just rub that shit all in your opponents face. The Trub is owned by only 5% of fantasy players in Yahoo leagues and there’s really no surprise there.

We will all miss the excellence that was Carson Wentz this season but at the end of the day this is Fantasy Football and this shit happens. So go put on your big boy (or girl) pants and get ready for the showdown. One out of these three guys above could make all the difference!

Giancarlo Stanton Is Bronx Bound And We’re All Fucked.

The Marlins have reportedly agreed to trade right fielder Giancarlo Stanton to the New York Yankees on Saturday and I’m shook af!

Its been said the Marlins were trading for Yankees 2nd baseman Starlin Castro but now we’re hearing he’s just being traded for a slew of no name players.

A SLEW OF MINOR LEAGUERS!

I’m going to go ahead and say that I’m in no way shape or form a Yankees fan so this is the scariest fucking thing in the world. When you take a guy that hit .281/.376/.631, led the league with 59 home runs and 132 RBI’s, plus his OPS was 1.007 and you pair him with Aaron Judge, DiDi Gregorious, and Gary Sanchez you get nervous. If your favorite team is in the AL, sorry but a title is going to be borderline impossible.

The real news here is that sneaky ass Derek Jeter has been probably plotting this move all along. Only Jeter would pull his best player to send him to the Bronx to finally create the ultimate batting powerhouse and no one will say shit because he knows and they know…. he’s Derek Fucking Jeter.

One thing good that may come from this is that uhh…mmmm…..NOTHING!

Nothing but sheer sluggery and magic from a team that I have no interest in. So it’s lights out baseball from now on “Rest of the AL”. Best bring your A game because Jeter don’t give a fuck and just let the Yanks get right back in the thick of it. As for you Yankees fans.. celebrate.

Return of The Flash

In the year 2013 a star was born draped in brown and orange. Bursting into to the fantasy football scene with 87 receptions and 1,646 Receiving Yards (Not to mention he was sloshed most of these games). This man is none other than the notorious Josh Gordon.

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After 2013 Gordon was caught up in the game. Everyone had found out he was smoking the devils lettuce and the league spit him out quicker than cold grits. He dabbled in car sales in the Cleveland area until he realized, “Hey, maybe I should focus on the money and stop getting shit housed on the reg.” It was off to rehab for Josh after that.

Now, 2017, The year of our lord. Something magical has happened. By the grace of god Josh Gordon is clean (or so we think). I for one am very excited to see this guy back in uniform and I see big things on the horizon for this guy even with the QB shit show Cleveland is. In Gordon’s debut game he posted an admirable 4 receptions and 85 yards. Its tough to be out of the league for three years and come back to put up a solid stat line like that.

So what’s next for ole Flash? What can we expect from him now that its playoff time? In the next few weeks the Browns will face off with the Packers, Ravens, and Bears. I’m definitely labeling Josh Gordon as a Flex/WR3 play this week against a 26th ranked passing defense. We should see sparks fly in the Doo Doo Dog Pound as Deshone releases the rock and puts it into the hands of the boy who lived (I went there). This play could really help you advance to the next round and put you closer to winning your ship.

The true test of mental will be the following week. The old Browns (Baltimore Ravens) will play the new Browns and their pass defense is ranked 3rd in the league. With defensive backs like Jimmy Smith and Brandon Carr tailing your every move, its hard to make things happen. This Baltimore team should have no issue keeping the Browns down and I feel its really important to say that Joe Flacco is NOT elite no matter how bad he wants to be.

The beauty of the story is just to show you that even you can go from making 10k a month selling drugs out your dorm room, partying like a maniac, getting drafted to an NFL team, boozing and smoking j’s before you hit the field to put up hefty ass fantasy numbers, fall off the fucking face of the earth, and return a new made man (maybe) just to do it all over again (the fantasy production, not the wild shit).

God Bless Josh “Flash” Gordon!