Author Archives: fantasystoner

From The Top Shelf: Week 4

By: Fantasy Stoner


The time is upon us; it is officially Trade Season in Fantasy Football. I know you are all thinking, “WTF Stoner, it is ALWAYS trade season.” You wouldn’t be entirely right, but you wouldn’t be entirely wrong either. You see, prior to this point in the season, I find trades are made because of injuries or because we are simply infatuated with a player we wanted to draft, but were unable to. But now, at this stage in the season, it is much easier to determine the path of our team. If we have struggled for 3 weeks, it is time to shake things up. If we are dominating, we are looking to add talent to our core without disrupting our success. I love trading. And, in fact, it is probably my favorite aspect of the game, besides talking shit. I love reaching out to the bottom dwellers of the league and seeing if they are ready to sell their studs. I urge you to do the same. Remember, the worst thing that could happen, is they say no. Be sure to respond to trade offers and give feedback because you never know what someone is willing to offer. Everyone should be available for the right price. Happy Trade SZN, ladies and genetlemen.

Without further ado, here are your Dank & Schwag Buds of the week!

(Remember, Dank Buds you should play and schwag buds you should seriously consider benching.)

Dank Buds of the Week:

QB: Eli Manning: I have this cigar box that I bought years ago at a yard sale for a quarter. I decided to use it as a house for a few pipes and a container of bud. It made for easy travel and could be nicely tucked away in a multitude of places. Fifteen years later, that cigar box is still going strong. When I would decide to use the box, it almost always did a masterful job, but there were times when it just wasn’t the right thing to use because it would stink up the place. Eli Manning is my cigar box. I think it is fair to say that in his Hall of Fame career, Manning has mostly been good, but there are plenty of times that he stunk up the place. This will be one of the good weeks, at home, against the porous defense of the New Orleans Saints that have been absolutely shredded by moderately average quarterbacks so far this year. The Saints offense scores so many points that the opponents have no option but to engage in a shootout. After his best game of the season, Eli should be up for this one, considering the Saints secondary has not posed much of a challenge to anyone this season. If you had Jimmy GQ or are dealing with Cam Newton on a bye, this is the week to stream Manning.

RB: Kerryon Johnson: Kerryon Johnson, you my only friend. I will never forget my first time (No, not the first time I laid pipe, rather the first time I got high). I had just turned 12 years old. My best friend (we will call him J) had 4 older brothers. They were always drinking and getting high, but all J and I cared about was playing football. That was until that one Saturday Night Sleepover when J’s oldest brother “forced” me to inhale. I had heard that people never really get stoned the first time they smoke weed, but that was absolutely bullshit. I was high as fuck and I loved every second of it. Kerryon Johnson’s performance last week was akin to the first time I got high, I loved every second of it and want more of it every week. He became the first Lion’s back to hit a hundo since 2013! He is averaging over five yards a carry and is a threat to catch a ball out of the backfield. Adding to that, his versatility out of the backfield is something Detroit has not had in for..ehh..ver. Dallas will be without Sean Lee for this game, and maybe a few others, which should open up plenty of running lanes for the most talented back in Motown.

WR: Allen Robinson: A few years ago, I loved eating edibles. Don’t get it twisted, I still enjoy dabbling a bit, but nothing like before. I used to wake up and eat a brownie or a cookie and then go about my day, waiting for the pleasure to kick in. It was exciting and scary, trying to anticipate when it would all kick in and hoping that it wasn’t at the wrong time or that it didn’t kick me too hard directly in the ass. Allen Robinson reminds me of those edible eating days. In 2015, he was an absolute joy to watch, scary for those that played against him, and the anticipation of what he was going to do next kept me on the edge of my seat. These days, he is still a number one wide receiver, but the excitement isn’t quite there. But I think this week I want to dabble. He gets the Tampa Bay defense that often looks as though they only have 9 guys on the field because everyone seems to be wide open on every play. The Bucs have been torched by the Saints and the Steelers this season and while Mitch Trubisky is no Brees or Big Ben, he should find A-Rob open all day for another game with double digit targets. Eat up!

TE: David Njoku: Last year, for my birthday, I bought myself a present: a new 18-inch bong. This thing looked magnificent. It was truly a piece of art and my level of excitement on the way home was through the roof. I just knew when I fired that bitch up, I was gonna get super faded and it was going to be the best thing ever. I have never been more disappointed in a smoking apparatus in my life. But after a while, I started to love it. It was as if it needed to get broken in for it to hit me right. That fine chiseled bong, is David Njoku. The hype on this guy was almost unparalleled. By any other tight end; he is young, physically-gifted, and will be playing with a quarterback that can get him the ball. Unfortunately, the hype train got derailed fairly quickly. Maybe the conductor dipped into my stash of Kosher Kush. He only has 9 catches on the season, but I fully expect that to change dramatically with Baker Mayfield now behind center. Njoku’s 2 catches for 36 yards in last week’s game both came courtesy of Baker. I have to believe Mayfield’s talent will help showcase Njoku’s. Oakland has been pretty solid against tight ends so far this year, but their opponents had nobody with Njoku’s talent. Baker will be breking him in this Sunday.

Schwag Players of the Week

QB: Marcus Mariota:I have never actually used CBD oil because Tetrehydrocannabinol is greater than Cannabidoil. THC > CBD. I understand the need to get relief from pain while trying to avoid the mind-altering effects of marijuana, but I say fuck that. I want my weed to get me so high I can use it to eliminate any pain AND get me faded as fuck. CBD makes me think of Marcus Mariota and his current physical situation. Allow me to just state facts; he has some nerve dmage in his THROWING ARM which causes numbness in the fingers of his THROWING HAND. This is limiting his ability to grip the ball, meaning there are some throws that he just cant make right now. There is absolutely no way anyone should have him in their lineup this week, even in 2 QB leagues. He has only put up around 10 points TOTAL, so far this season and I don’t think he hits that number this week against the Eagles. Their pass rush is disruptive and nobody wants a QB with a weak hand. Mariota might want to look into CBDs.

RB: Peyton Barber: One of the things I hate the most in regards to cannabis is when the flower looks stunning, but smokes like shit. What I mean, is that the flower is full of crystals, but when you smoke it, it doesn’t really get you high unless you smoke 4 or 5 more bowls of it. I call that type of bud “The Plodder”. The Plodder is very laborious, as it takes a considerable amount of time and effort to get high. Peyton Barber is a fucking plodder. He looks the part, a stout 5’ 11” and 225 pounds, but when I watch him, he just doesn’t have what it takes to be a starting running back in this league. The last 2 weeks, he has 24 carries for 55 yards, for a whopping 2.29 yards per carry. Barber is literally worthless and now he has to travel to Chicago and face the Bears #1 ranked rushing defense. I believe this is the last game Barber will be starting this season if he doesn’t turn in a monster performance. After the week 5 bye, I expect Ronald Jones to get the lion’s share of the carries. This week, tell Barber to plod his ass to the bench, even though you should send him straight to the waiver wire.

WR: Marquise Goodwin: I was just telling someone the other day about the beautiful art of dabbing. Not that stupid dance that Cam Newton popularized for a few days, rather the method of vaporizing concentrated marijuana. I love dropping that wax onto the heated nail and inhaling the vapors until my lungs feel like they are exploding. This stuff hits hard and fast, much like Marquise Goodwin the second half of last season. But now, Goodwin is nothing more than a broken dab rig. This is not a knock to his level of talent; you cannot possibly teach that speed, but the Olympic Cheetah just lost his beloved quarterback for the season to a torn ACL. CJ Beathard is no Jimmy GQ, leaving Goodwin’s fantasy value plummeting. I believe the 49ers will be playing catch-up this week against the San Diego Chargers of Los Angeles, but there is no way that you can put Goodwin in your lineup. Moreover, he is still dealing with the effects of a week one quad injury. The Chargers secondary has been lit up this season, but that was thanks to Pat Mahomes and Jared Goff. Beathard couldn’t even hold any of their jocks.

TE: Jared Cook: I once bought a strain of sativa called GhostTrain Maui. I am much more of an indica person, but was super stoked to give this 2-time Cannabis Cup winner a try. Sadly, I was very disappointed. I chalk it up to a bad batch, but the initial high came and went before I even had a chance to enjoy it (That’s what she said). Jared Cook is the GhostTrain Maui of the NFL. He started this year with 9 catches for 180 yards in the season opener against the Los Angeles Rams, but only has 9 catches for 80 yards the last two weeks. Now he has to face the Cleveland Browns, who have given up the 4 fewest points to tight ends so far this young season. The Raiders have had a different guy lead them in receiving each game this season and the Browns have only given up 97 yards and no TDs to the position. This is not the week for Cook.

Best of luck in Week 4 everyone!!

Hit up the Garage Guys Hotline at 929-430-GGFS with any waiver, trade, start/sit questions or anything else on your mind and follow me on Twitter @FantasyFBStoner.

Smoke it if you got it!!!

From the Top Shelf — Week 3

I feel like week 3 is one of the most important in regards to your fantasy teams. For teams that started off 2-0, a win this week is a nice set up for a solid playoff run. For those teams that are currently 1-1 or 0-2, another loss this week may change the landscape of your season. This is the week to determine whether you can move forward with the core of players you have or if you must make some serious moves to right a sinking ship. Don’t get it twisted, it is definitely possible to turn your season around after an 0-3 start, but the climb back into league relevance is Mt. Everest-like.

Fear not, as I am here to help with some insight on some players you should start and some you should consider benching. Quick recap from last week shows that I hit pretty well on all of my starts as Philip Rivers, James Conner, Nelson Agholor, and Travis Kelce all scored enough to make them dank starts. As for the schwag, Carlos Hyde and Robby Anderson proved me right, Jimmy Graham proved he is more than just a touchdown dependent tight end, and Derek Carr-bage did enough to not make you hate yourself if you start him for some reason.

Lastly, be sure to listen to the Garage Guys podcast on iTunes. I was a guest this week and we had a great time recapping week 2 and preparing for week 3.

Remember, Dank Buds you should play and schwag buds you should seriously consider benching.

Without further ado, here are your Dank & Schwag Buds of the week:

Dank Buds of the Week:

QB: Jimmy Garoppolo: What can we say about Mr. Steal Your Girl that has not already been said. The most handsome quarterback in the league has not quite lived to the pre-season hype, but bigger and better games are on the horizon. That starts this week against Kansas City. The Chiefs defense has been so porous that I currently have more confidence in a broken condom. Jimmy GQ is currently the equivalent of a beautiful looking strain of weed that fails to deliver when you smoke it. It looks vibrant and sexy, but the high is weak and ugly. But luckily, it was just a bad batch, because the next time you try it, you get high as fuck. We all know the Chiefs are going to score points, with Sideshow Pat Mahomes slinging the ball all over the field. GQ will have to throw to keep pace on the road and with Marquise Goodwin expected back, he has the weapons to provide you with an outstanding fantasy day because the Swiss Cheese Chiefs defense has allowed almost 900 yards and 7 total touchdowns to quarterbacks the first 2 weeks. The game will dictate the Niners abandoned the run game and let The Franchise throw the rock. Start him with extreme confidence.

RB: Chris Thompson: For four years plus in college, I carried around a cigarette-style one hitter to ensure I was always prepared when I needed a toke. Chris Thompson reminds me of that one-hitter. He is not someone to be used at all times, but when needed, he will get the job done. Both are small and compact, but provide the punch necessary to get you what you need. He only has 9 carries on the season, but he is a machine in the passing game with 19 catches for over 150 yards. Chances are the Redskins will be playing from behind against the Green Bay Packers, thus eliminating Adrian Peterson from much of the game script and adding to CT’s already impressive stats. He is the most dynamic pass-catcher on the Redskins and should see a ton of targets as Alex Smith has become the check down king the first two weeks.

WR: Keelan Cole: Keelan Cole SZN has officially begun. He was pretty well hyped this off-season after a strong finish in 2017. After an average first game, Cole exploded last week for 7/116/1, including a tremendous OBJ-like one-handed catch. He helped the Jaguars destroy the Patriots and I expect much of the same this week against the Titans who have given up an astronomical number of points to wide receivers so far this season. I never thought I would say this and I am laughing as I type it, but Blake Bortles was firing on all cylinders last week without Leonard Fournette and with him expected back this week, it should make it even easier to get the play-making Cole the ball. Cole reminds me of a weed pen, which allows for ninja smoking. Cole is the ninja of NFL WRs. He is quick and compact and will do some serious damage when used properly.

TE: OJ Howard: OJ Howard has become the tight end to own in Tampa Bay. Cameron Brate has yet to catch a pass this season. OJ is big and fast, causing matchup nightmares for linebackers and safeties. He has only 5 catches so far, but he has made the most of them, including a 75-yard TD against the Eagles defense which came into the season ranked in the top 5. I do think he needs more volume to be considered an every week play, but he is lucky enough this week to face a Steelers defense that was recently shredded by Travis Kelce. I don’t think they have anyone that can match up with Howard and he should be in for a big week. A friend of mine used to own a 6-foot bong we called Maximus. That thing delivered such a powerful punch, but it was not something we could use all the time. It burned a ton of weed and you always needed a friend to facilitate its use. OJ Howard is a 6-foot bong. He has burned a ton of fantasy football players in the past, but defenders will always need help covering him and bringing him down. The only thing I see him burning this week is the Steelers defense.

Schwag Players of the Week

QB: Andrew Luck: My favorite smoking apparatus in my younger days was my bubbler. The bub is a hybrid of a bong and a bowl and delivers a great hit. But one day, in my stoned haze, I knocked it off the table and cracked the neck. It wasn’t completely broken and I was actually able to get it repaired. Unfortunately, it was never the same afterward. Andrew Luck is my broken bubbler. Prior to his injuries, Luck was the man that was able to make any throw and was a no-brainer when setting your weekly lineup. But times have changed. Luck is not the worst QB to pin your hope to, but he doesn’t seem to have it anymore. His ability to get the ball downfield is practically non-existent. His Air Yards per pass is hovering with the likes of Nathan Peterman and Sam Bradford. He looks like damaged goods to me, much like it felt when I smoked from the broken bubbler after it was repaired. Another thing to worry about is the Eagles defense. I know they were just destroyed by Ryan Fitz-Magic, but they are a much better unit then they showed last week. I believe they are going to be back to being the defense we expected them to be. Stuffing the Colts invisible run game and releasing the pass rushing hounds to disrupt Luck’s short passing game. Keep the broken bub on the shelf this week, there are so many better options out there.

RB: Dalvin Cook: Before you stop reading my ridiculousness, just hear me out. I love Dalvin Cook. In fact, if it weren’t for him leaving last week’s game with an injury, I probably would have accepted a trade of Cook and my homeboy Golden Tate for David Johnson. The first thing I am concerned about is the injury. They are calling it a ‘hamstring cramp” (whatever the fuck that means). My grandmother used to call that a Charley Horse. She never missed a day of work due to a Charley Horse but Cook hasn’t practiced yet this week. Moreover, the Vikings are playing the Buffalo Bills this week which very well could be the worst team in football. Cook is schwag for me this week. Not based on talent or production, but circumstance. I think it would be foolish to play him against a team they can slay without him. Latavius Murray should get the start this week so Cook can heal properly. If he does play I don’t expect much usage from him, especially considering the game should be well out of hand by halftime. I recently acquired this Indica strain called Frosted Cherry Candyland. It is new, beautiful purple color, and hits you like a wrecking ball making you worthless the rest of the day. This is something not designed for smoking all the time. Dalvin Cook is Frosted Cherry Candyland and this is the time to keep him on the shelf and use someone else or your team could be worthless.

WR: Corey Davis: Corey Davis has been adequate so far this year, but not spectacular. This week he may not only be playing with Blaine Gabbert as his quarterback, but also with Jalen Ramsey in his face all day. I understand he is getting a heavy share of the targets these days, but I want no part of him this week. The Titans don’t just have issues under center, but also on the offensive line with both starting offensive tackles being injured. I am not sure how much time whoever is at QB will have to throw the ball and don’t expect there to be much separation to get the ball to Davis. I know that OBJ and Hogan had solid fantasy days against this formidable defense, but Davis is no OBJ nor does he have Tom Brady throwing to him. My least favorite thing about smoking blunts and joints is when they start boating. Boating, for those not in the know, is when one side starts burning faster than the other. It is quite disappointing when this happens and often ruins the whole experience. This week, Corey Davis is a boating blunt. The only way to fix that blizzy is the keep him on the bench.

TE: Ben Watson: I was expecting big things from Benjamin Watson this season. Granted, I didn’t expect him to replicate his past success with the Saints, but I felt it would be like riding a bike for Drew Brees. Sadly this has yet to be the case, although Brees did overthrow a wide open Watson last week against the Browns. Of his 65 completions this young season, Brees has only connected with Watson 7 times for 63 yards. He is not the TE1 we hoped he would be, more like a low end TE2 at this point. The Falcons have been pretty stingy to tight ends this season and even though they lost some key pieces of their defense in Deion Jones and Keanu Neal, I am still not excited about Watson this week. One of my best friends has this love of buying crazy glass bowl pieces. Sometimes they hit amazingly; other times they are dogshit. One of the coolest ones he ever bought was shaped like a tank. It was so beautifully chiseled with details I have never seen, but when we used it, we hated that bitch. Ben Watson (also chiseled and built like a tank) is hitting much like that bowl. I expect he will have some solid games this season, but this will not be one of them, even though a shootout is expected.

Bonus Team Schwag:

Arizona Cardinals: This shouldn’t really have to be said, but it feels necessary at this time. This is definitely not the week to start your Arizona Cardinals. In case you didn’t know, their offense (and I use that term loosely) is a dumpster fire. Oh, and they are playing the Chicago Bears. I know that most of us aren’t even considering starting Sam Bradford. The 90 yards he threw for last week is laughable at this point. He might not hit that number this week with Khalil Mack and Company swarming on every drop back. Larry Fitzgerald is a bit banged up and should be benched. Ricky Seals-Jones has only 7 catches for 36 yards on the year and probably isn’t worth a roster spot right now, let alone a start. This brings me to David Johnson. I love DJ and spoke about it on the Garage Guys podcast this week. He is far too talented to bench, but this week you need to taper expectations. The coaches don’t seem to have a clue how to use him, with their running game emulating that of a shitty high school offense and his non-existence in the passing game. They claim that they want to get him more involved and I am certain it will happen, but it will not be this week. Their best bet is to hope they make it through this week without serious injury and start Josh Rosen week 4 at home against the Seahawks. Rosen is not going to completely change things around, but he will give them way more of a chance than Bradford. Moreover, Rosen will move DJ and Fitz back into the must start realm. Starting anyone on the Arizona Cardinals offense this week would be like buying an ounce of weed, but realizing that it is really oregano.

Best of luck this week everyone!

Hit up the Garage Guys Hotline at 929-430-GGFS (4437) with any waiver, trade, start/sit questions or anything else on your mind.

Follow me on Twitter @FantasyFBStoner

Smoke it if you got it!!!

From The Top Shelf — Week 2

DON’T OVERREACT!!! This is the best advice I can give after week one. Whether you scored 200 points or only 52, don’t get crazy. If you won by 117 points, congrats. If you lost by 0.02 points, that sucks. Or if you lost by 117 points, don’t worry, everything will be okay. The worst thing we can do after one week is hastily make moves to try and right a ship that isn’t even sinking yet.

Even I had a few thoughts about trading David Johnson for a running back and wide receiver, but luckily I smoked myself back to reality. I think my favorite thing about smoking weed is that it helps me remain even keeled. I let my highs get really high (pun intended) so my lows never get too low. Best thing you can do is smoke a fat bowl of weed and fucking relax. Championships are not won or lost in the first week of fantasy football! Keep grindin’.

Without further ado, here are your Dank & Schwag Buds For Week 2:

Dank Buds of the Week:

QB: Philip Rivers: Philip Rivers is the finely rolled joint of NFL QBs. They both have been around for quite some time, they deliver fairly consistently whether on the road or at home, and even when bad, they are both kind of good. Last week was a tale of two halves for Rivers, but this week he gets to face a Buffalo team that just got shredded byPhilipRivers3.jpg the less-than-elite Joe Flacco for 3 TDs. The Chargers actually have more weapons than the Ravens and all of them should be on display this week. I am expecting big games from Melvin Gordon, Keenan Allen and Mike Williams. I also believe Austn Ekeler and Antonio Gates get in the endzone too. All of this will be facilitated by Philip “The Joint” Rivers. I fully expect over 300 yards and at least 3 TDs.

RB: James Conner: Back in the day, I had a buddy that would empty out a Philly Blunt without cracking the paper. He would then proceed to empty out the tobacco and refill it with marijuana. He called it The Godfather. James Conner is not The Terminator; he is The Godfather. The Steelers emptied their backfield of Le’Veon Bell and refilled it with something potent as fuck. Conner had 36 touches for almost 200 yards and 2 TDs in a rain-soaked tie. While this should be a solid game for Big Ben, since they are playing at home, there is nothing to make me believe Conner want be pushing 30 touches again this week. While he is in the lineup, his volume will be second to none. I think it is a ploy to convince Bell they are fine without him, but who cares. Roll will JC for as long as you can and much like with The Godfather, you will not be disappointed. Take the word of the “Godfather” of fantasy analysis @evansilva.

WR: Nelson Agholor: Let us overlook the fact that he only had 33 yards last week. The important thing to focus on is the 10 targets with 8 catches. With Alshon still residing in the blue medical tent, Agholor is the only Philly wide receiver you want to own. Tampa Bay’s defensive secondary is so banged up they may suit up actual swiss cheese this weekend. They only registered one sack last week against the Saints too, so things are boding very well for Nick Foles and Agholor. Agholor should once again be a target monster against the Bucs, but I expect far more yardage and a score. Agholor reminds me of that friend who is always inconsistent with his supply. At times, he delivers some of the finest, dankest shit you ever had, but other times he brings nothing to the table. This week, Agholor is dank as fuck.

TE: Travis Kelce: It is not often when you have to list a top 3 tight end on a start list, but after last week’s performance, I think it important to mention him. We all knew that Pat Mahomes was a completely different quarterback than Alex Smith and that Kelce’s numbers were going to take a hit, but a lone catch for 6 yards is completely unacceptable for a guy being drafted in the 3rdround. The good thing is, he did have 6 targets in a game completely dominated by Tyreek Hill. The Steelers are a tough opponent for TEs, finishing second against them last season, but I think Hill steals a ton of their attention, opening up the field for Kelce to do work and take better advantage of his target shares. Start him with confidence. In 2013, a strain called Girl Scout Cookies took home the Cannabis Cup for Best Hybrid and Travis Kelce was drafted by the Kansas City Chiefs. Kelce is Girl Scout Cookies, a hybrid who can still fuck your shit up even after all these years.

images (4).jpg

Schwag Buds of the Week

QB: Derek Carr: In 2015, I bought this amazing little bong. It had a loch ness monster engraved into it and about a week later I found a Nessy bowl piece that made it perfect. I took great care of it until last year when I dropped it off a balc2244999670_1b91526ccc_b.jpgony and it shattered into a million little pieces. Derek Carr is that destroyed bong. He was once amazing and it was thought he would be fucking people up for a long time, but last season, he shattered. He is now Derek Carr-bage. Monday night proved that he does not have what it takes to be a winner in this league. He not only didn’t complete many passes to the guys lined up outside, he barely even looked their way and he gets to face Von Miller and the Denver Broncos defense. They may not be the unit they have been in the past, but Carr-bage threw 3 picks last week and will throw a few more this week. If he is on your roster, drop him. I would rather have Sam Darnold as a backup QB than Carr-bage.

RB: Carlos Hyde: El Guapo had 22 touches, for 65 yards and a touchdown last week, but unfortunately, he only averaged 2.8 yards a carry. That is not good. He was lucky that Big Ben and the Steelers offense was inept enough that the game dictated him getting 22 carries. This week, the Cleveland Browns get to travel to The Big Easy for a game with the Saints. Drew Brees and his offense are quite adequate. So much so that I believe Duke Johnsonimages (5).jpgis the running back to play in the Browns backfield this week. The Saints will score points, the Browns will have to keep pace. Hyde just doesn’t feel to me that he will be a big part of the offense once the Saints get up 14-0 in the first quarter. I also think the Saints defense is better than they showed last week and the Browns will be the first team they feast on. Hyde is a no-go for me this weekend, much like my bubbler. I like it a lot, it just isn’t something I plan on utilizing this weekend.

WR: Robby Anderson: I love Robby Anderson, but I hate the way he is going to be used. Q-Dawg Enunwa is the clear target monster in that offense. Him and Darnold connected on a different level Monday Night. Anderson made a hell of a play on that deep touchdown reception, which was great, but it was himages (6).jpgis only target of the game. I need more than that from a WR2/3 or a flex play. I assume the Jets will do what they can to get Anderson more involved this week, but the Dolphins are not half bad in the secondary and was a tough matchup for WRs last season. Anderson will have his big games, but I fear he will end up more Darrius Heyward-Bey than Kenny Stills-like. Robby is like that gravity bong that you love to use but rarely do. It packs a heavy punch when it shows up, but there just isn’t enough usage to make it relevant.

TE: Jimmy Graham: Be prepared for Jimmy Graham to disappoint this season. In a game where the Green Bay Packers and a gimpy Aaron Rodgers were slinging the ball all over the place in the second half, Graham managed only 2 catches for 8 yards. If you are goinimages (7).jpgg to average 4 yards a catch, the least you can do is have 8 reception (right Nelson?) and maybe get in the endzone, but neither of those things happened. That’s the thing with Graham this year, I think he is going to be touchdown dependent. And with Devante Adams, Randall Cobb, GERONIMO, and soon to be Aaron Jones, I am not sure exactly how many Graham targets will end up with as a touchdown. This week, he gets to play against the Minnesota Vikings defense that gave up the least fantasy points per game to the position last season. If he doesn’t score a TD, Graham is as worthless as a broken Bic Lighter next to a giant bowl of danky nugs. You should definitely Puff, Puff, Pass on him this week.

Best of luck this week everyone. Dank Buds you should play and schwag buds you should seriously consider benching.

Hit up the Garage Guys Hotline at 929-430-GGFS with any waiver, trade, or start/sit questions for next week.

Those of you in the path of Hurricane Flo, be safe.

Smoke it if you got it!!!

From The Top Shelf (Vol. 1)

Fantasy football and marijuana are intrinsically linked. Think about it; there are few things in this world that create as much anxiety as fantasy football. Whether it is the draft, waiver pickups, trades, or setting lineups, your blood pressure will rise exponentially as the season progresses. There is nothing, in my estimation, that cures anxiety (and anything else that ails you) quite like some danky cannabis. Indicas, Sativas, and Hybrids. THC oil pens, crumble wax, and edibles. Whatever is your pleasure.

For fantasy football purposes, the most relatable terms are “Dank” and “Schwag”. For those of you outside the smoking circle, dank refers to a very potent, top-shelf strain of marijuana; one with dark and sticky buds (think Antonio Brown). Schwag is quite the opposite. It refers to some low-grade, bottom shelf bud that is dry, full of seeds and stems, and does not quite get the job done (think DeVante Parker). Dank Buds you should play and schwag buds you should seriously consider benching.

Without further ado, here are your Dank & Schwag Buds for Week 1:

Dank Buds of the Week:images (1)

QB: Matthew Stafford: I have a bong that I have owned for almost 7 years. It is about a foot tall, has a decent sized bowl, and always hits very well. That bong is named after Matthew Stafford. Both are always consistent and have earned my confidence that they will always be there. Stafford has not missed a game since 2010 and is extremely reliable, having finished in the top 10 in 6 out of the last 7 years. The Lions are a pass first team with questions surrounding the run game. Golden Tate and Marvin Jones are both lethal and get to start the season at home versus a bottom 3rd defense. The Jets allowed the 3rd most TDs to quarterbacks last season with 28, against only 10 picks.

RB: James White: There is one strain of weed that I am always going back to called Super Elmer’s Glue. James White is Belichick & Brady’s Super Elmer’s Glue. No matter what changes have come to the Patriots backfield over the years, White is the constant. White has earned their trust and seems to be the only healthy running back in the New England backfield. Under normal circumstances, he is no more than a flex option, but against this aggressive Texans defense, White is going to be a PPR beast. But these are not normal circumstances. The patriots are lacking pass-catchers, so while White may not get the carries one would hope, he should more than make up for it in the pass game, at least until Julian Edelman returns.

WR: Cooper Kupp: My love for Cooper Kupp has not been understated. I think he will end up as the #1 pass-catching option on the Rams high powered offense. Kupp is like a THC oil vape pen—small, quick hitting, and always delivering. The Raiders are a dumpster fire right now and I expect Kupp to reap the benefits. The Raiders defense had the fewest interceptions in the league last season and traded away a large portion of their sacks. Kupp was one of the league leaders last season in Red Zone Targets and will have a coming out party on Monday night and the summer reports of Kupp and Jared Goff becoming BFFs will be confirmed.

TE: Austin Seferian-Jenkins:Does not matter how stoned you are because every fantasy football players knows to play your tight ends against the New York Giants. They were historically bad at defending TEs last season and while I expect them to be better, I do not expect a miracle turnaround. ASJ has never been able to stay healthy, but did play the most games of any season in his career last year. He also caught 50 passes for the Jets last season.

I expect him to be a big part of the Jags passing game, especially since they no longer have the Allen Brothers (Robinson & Hurns) and recently lost Marquis Lee for the season. There are a ton of targets available for ASJ. As long as he stays on the field, I think he has a great shot at being a top 10 TE, but the health issues make it hard to consider him more than a matchup play. I consider ASJ to be a Sativa. When he is there, he does a great job, but it is definitely not my preference.

Schwag Buds of the Week:

QB: Jimmy Garoppolo: Don’t get me wrong, as a Niner fan, I love Jimmy G and all he will bring to the franchise, but this week, on the road against a Vikings defense that only allowed 11 receiving touchdowns last year, you have to sit him. Keep in mind that the 49ers running game has some huge question marks after the season-ending ACL tear suffered by Jerick McKinnon. Alfred Morris and Matt Breida are solid, but not spectacular. download (3).jpg

The offensive line is average at best and will have its hands full with the Minnesota font seven. Jimmy G is like smoking a dab; it is new and sexy and you know it will do damage, but there is a time and a place for it. Choose wisely or it could go bad quickly.

RB: Devonta Freeman: I have made my dislike of Devonta Freeman abundantly clear—I believe Tevin Coleman is the better running back, but we should not disregard the impact Freeman has had over the years. He has been a RB1/RB2 for the last few years. But looking closer, you will see that his carries and targets have gone down each of the last 3 seasons. Last year in the playoffs, against the very same Eagles defense he faces this week, Freeman ran 10 times for 7 yards.

His best chance of having a productive fantasy week against a top 3 defense is through the air, but TC is the better receiving option out of the backfield. He is most likely your second round pick, so you are going to play him, just taper your expectation. Freeman is like an edible that never really kicks in; the expectations are always high, but the result is a huge disappointment.

WR: Josh Gordon: I am expecting Josh Gordon to have a great season, but it will not start week 1 against Pittsburgh. I am basing this pick solely on uncertainty. He has been away from the team for the whole off-season and Hue Jackson has already named another Cannabis Connoisseur, Antonio Callaway, starter for this week.

download (4).jpgHe can put up solid numbers even with minimal targets, but this is not the week to take that chance. Steelers secondary isn’t horrible and their pass rush should be much improved. Moreover, there is talk of a hamstring injury, which may limit his usage as well. Gordon is like a finely rolled blunt filled with kush. You know there is a time and a place to use it, but this isn’t the week.

TE:  Jordan Reed & Tyler Eifert: There is not a strain of weed on this planet or any other that would cause me to put one of these two players in my starting lineup this week. I do not doubt that these are two of the most talented tight ends in the NFL, but I also recognize that, much like my bong I have named Matthew Stafford, both of these guys are made of glass. Reed has started only 25 games the last 5 seasons; Eifert has started 30 over the same (1).jpg

Playing these two comes with added aggravation and an increase in blood pressure. Do not let their potential dictate your starting lineup. They remind me of that friend who claims to have the dankest bud of all time, but when he brings it over, you see its dry, brown, and full of broken stems.