From the Top Shelf — Week 3
I feel like week 3 is one of the most important in regards to your fantasy teams. For teams that started off 2-0, a win this week is a nice set up for a solid playoff run. For those teams that are currently 1-1 or 0-2, another loss this week may change the landscape of your season. This is the week to determine whether you can move forward with the core of players you have or if you must make some serious moves to right a sinking ship. Don’t get it twisted, it is definitely possible to turn your season around after an 0-3 start, but the climb back into league relevance is Mt. Everest-like.
Fear not, as I am here to help with some insight on some players you should start and some you should consider benching. Quick recap from last week shows that I hit pretty well on all of my starts as Philip Rivers, James Conner, Nelson Agholor, and Travis Kelce all scored enough to make them dank starts. As for the schwag, Carlos Hyde and Robby Anderson proved me right, Jimmy Graham proved he is more than just a touchdown dependent tight end, and Derek Carr-bage did enough to not make you hate yourself if you start him for some reason.
Lastly, be sure to listen to the Garage Guys podcast on iTunes. I was a guest this week and we had a great time recapping week 2 and preparing for week 3.
Remember, Dank Buds you should play and schwag buds you should seriously consider benching.
Without further ado, here are your Dank & Schwag Buds of the week:
Dank Buds of the Week:
QB: Jimmy Garoppolo: What can we say about Mr. Steal Your Girl that has not already been said. The most handsome quarterback in the league has not quite lived to the pre-season hype, but bigger and better games are on the horizon. That starts this week against Kansas City. The Chiefs defense has been so porous that I currently have more confidence in a broken condom. Jimmy GQ is currently the equivalent of a beautiful looking strain of weed that fails to deliver when you smoke it. It looks vibrant and sexy, but the high is weak and ugly. But luckily, it was just a bad batch, because the next time you try it, you get high as fuck. We all know the Chiefs are going to score points, with Sideshow Pat Mahomes slinging the ball all over the field. GQ will have to throw to keep pace on the road and with Marquise Goodwin expected back, he has the weapons to provide you with an outstanding fantasy day because the Swiss Cheese Chiefs defense has allowed almost 900 yards and 7 total touchdowns to quarterbacks the first 2 weeks. The game will dictate the Niners abandoned the run game and let The Franchise throw the rock. Start him with extreme confidence.
RB: Chris Thompson: For four years plus in college, I carried around a cigarette-style one hitter to ensure I was always prepared when I needed a toke. Chris Thompson reminds me of that one-hitter. He is not someone to be used at all times, but when needed, he will get the job done. Both are small and compact, but provide the punch necessary to get you what you need. He only has 9 carries on the season, but he is a machine in the passing game with 19 catches for over 150 yards. Chances are the Redskins will be playing from behind against the Green Bay Packers, thus eliminating Adrian Peterson from much of the game script and adding to CT’s already impressive stats. He is the most dynamic pass-catcher on the Redskins and should see a ton of targets as Alex Smith has become the check down king the first two weeks.
WR: Keelan Cole: Keelan Cole SZN has officially begun. He was pretty well hyped this off-season after a strong finish in 2017. After an average first game, Cole exploded last week for 7/116/1, including a tremendous OBJ-like one-handed catch. He helped the Jaguars destroy the Patriots and I expect much of the same this week against the Titans who have given up an astronomical number of points to wide receivers so far this season. I never thought I would say this and I am laughing as I type it, but Blake Bortles was firing on all cylinders last week without Leonard Fournette and with him expected back this week, it should make it even easier to get the play-making Cole the ball. Cole reminds me of a weed pen, which allows for ninja smoking. Cole is the ninja of NFL WRs. He is quick and compact and will do some serious damage when used properly.
TE: OJ Howard: OJ Howard has become the tight end to own in Tampa Bay. Cameron Brate has yet to catch a pass this season. OJ is big and fast, causing matchup nightmares for linebackers and safeties. He has only 5 catches so far, but he has made the most of them, including a 75-yard TD against the Eagles defense which came into the season ranked in the top 5. I do think he needs more volume to be considered an every week play, but he is lucky enough this week to face a Steelers defense that was recently shredded by Travis Kelce. I don’t think they have anyone that can match up with Howard and he should be in for a big week. A friend of mine used to own a 6-foot bong we called Maximus. That thing delivered such a powerful punch, but it was not something we could use all the time. It burned a ton of weed and you always needed a friend to facilitate its use. OJ Howard is a 6-foot bong. He has burned a ton of fantasy football players in the past, but defenders will always need help covering him and bringing him down. The only thing I see him burning this week is the Steelers defense.
Schwag Players of the Week
QB: Andrew Luck: My favorite smoking apparatus in my younger days was my bubbler. The bub is a hybrid of a bong and a bowl and delivers a great hit. But one day, in my stoned haze, I knocked it off the table and cracked the neck. It wasn’t completely broken and I was actually able to get it repaired. Unfortunately, it was never the same afterward. Andrew Luck is my broken bubbler. Prior to his injuries, Luck was the man that was able to make any throw and was a no-brainer when setting your weekly lineup. But times have changed. Luck is not the worst QB to pin your hope to, but he doesn’t seem to have it anymore. His ability to get the ball downfield is practically non-existent. His Air Yards per pass is hovering with the likes of Nathan Peterman and Sam Bradford. He looks like damaged goods to me, much like it felt when I smoked from the broken bubbler after it was repaired. Another thing to worry about is the Eagles defense. I know they were just destroyed by Ryan Fitz-Magic, but they are a much better unit then they showed last week. I believe they are going to be back to being the defense we expected them to be. Stuffing the Colts invisible run game and releasing the pass rushing hounds to disrupt Luck’s short passing game. Keep the broken bub on the shelf this week, there are so many better options out there.
RB: Dalvin Cook: Before you stop reading my ridiculousness, just hear me out. I love Dalvin Cook. In fact, if it weren’t for him leaving last week’s game with an injury, I probably would have accepted a trade of Cook and my homeboy Golden Tate for David Johnson. The first thing I am concerned about is the injury. They are calling it a ‘hamstring cramp” (whatever the fuck that means). My grandmother used to call that a Charley Horse. She never missed a day of work due to a Charley Horse but Cook hasn’t practiced yet this week. Moreover, the Vikings are playing the Buffalo Bills this week which very well could be the worst team in football. Cook is schwag for me this week. Not based on talent or production, but circumstance. I think it would be foolish to play him against a team they can slay without him. Latavius Murray should get the start this week so Cook can heal properly. If he does play I don’t expect much usage from him, especially considering the game should be well out of hand by halftime. I recently acquired this Indica strain called Frosted Cherry Candyland. It is new, beautiful purple color, and hits you like a wrecking ball making you worthless the rest of the day. This is something not designed for smoking all the time. Dalvin Cook is Frosted Cherry Candyland and this is the time to keep him on the shelf and use someone else or your team could be worthless.
WR: Corey Davis: Corey Davis has been adequate so far this year, but not spectacular. This week he may not only be playing with Blaine Gabbert as his quarterback, but also with Jalen Ramsey in his face all day. I understand he is getting a heavy share of the targets these days, but I want no part of him this week. The Titans don’t just have issues under center, but also on the offensive line with both starting offensive tackles being injured. I am not sure how much time whoever is at QB will have to throw the ball and don’t expect there to be much separation to get the ball to Davis. I know that OBJ and Hogan had solid fantasy days against this formidable defense, but Davis is no OBJ nor does he have Tom Brady throwing to him. My least favorite thing about smoking blunts and joints is when they start boating. Boating, for those not in the know, is when one side starts burning faster than the other. It is quite disappointing when this happens and often ruins the whole experience. This week, Corey Davis is a boating blunt. The only way to fix that blizzy is the keep him on the bench.
TE: Ben Watson: I was expecting big things from Benjamin Watson this season. Granted, I didn’t expect him to replicate his past success with the Saints, but I felt it would be like riding a bike for Drew Brees. Sadly this has yet to be the case, although Brees did overthrow a wide open Watson last week against the Browns. Of his 65 completions this young season, Brees has only connected with Watson 7 times for 63 yards. He is not the TE1 we hoped he would be, more like a low end TE2 at this point. The Falcons have been pretty stingy to tight ends this season and even though they lost some key pieces of their defense in Deion Jones and Keanu Neal, I am still not excited about Watson this week. One of my best friends has this love of buying crazy glass bowl pieces. Sometimes they hit amazingly; other times they are dogshit. One of the coolest ones he ever bought was shaped like a tank. It was so beautifully chiseled with details I have never seen, but when we used it, we hated that bitch. Ben Watson (also chiseled and built like a tank) is hitting much like that bowl. I expect he will have some solid games this season, but this will not be one of them, even though a shootout is expected.
Bonus Team Schwag:
Arizona Cardinals: This shouldn’t really have to be said, but it feels necessary at this time. This is definitely not the week to start your Arizona Cardinals. In case you didn’t know, their offense (and I use that term loosely) is a dumpster fire. Oh, and they are playing the Chicago Bears. I know that most of us aren’t even considering starting Sam Bradford. The 90 yards he threw for last week is laughable at this point. He might not hit that number this week with Khalil Mack and Company swarming on every drop back. Larry Fitzgerald is a bit banged up and should be benched. Ricky Seals-Jones has only 7 catches for 36 yards on the year and probably isn’t worth a roster spot right now, let alone a start. This brings me to David Johnson. I love DJ and spoke about it on the Garage Guys podcast this week. He is far too talented to bench, but this week you need to taper expectations. The coaches don’t seem to have a clue how to use him, with their running game emulating that of a shitty high school offense and his non-existence in the passing game. They claim that they want to get him more involved and I am certain it will happen, but it will not be this week. Their best bet is to hope they make it through this week without serious injury and start Josh Rosen week 4 at home against the Seahawks. Rosen is not going to completely change things around, but he will give them way more of a chance than Bradford. Moreover, Rosen will move DJ and Fitz back into the must start realm. Starting anyone on the Arizona Cardinals offense this week would be like buying an ounce of weed, but realizing that it is really oregano.
Best of luck this week everyone!
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