By: Fantasy Stoner
The time is upon us; it is officially Trade Season in Fantasy Football. I know you are all thinking, “WTF Stoner, it is ALWAYS trade season.” You wouldn’t be entirely right, but you wouldn’t be entirely wrong either. You see, prior to this point in the season, I find trades are made because of injuries or because we are simply infatuated with a player we wanted to draft, but were unable to. But now, at this stage in the season, it is much easier to determine the path of our team. If we have struggled for 3 weeks, it is time to shake things up. If we are dominating, we are looking to add talent to our core without disrupting our success. I love trading. And, in fact, it is probably my favorite aspect of the game, besides talking shit. I love reaching out to the bottom dwellers of the league and seeing if they are ready to sell their studs. I urge you to do the same. Remember, the worst thing that could happen, is they say no. Be sure to respond to trade offers and give feedback because you never know what someone is willing to offer. Everyone should be available for the right price. Happy Trade SZN, ladies and genetlemen.
Without further ado, here are your Dank & Schwag Buds of the week!
(Remember, Dank Buds you should play and schwag buds you should seriously consider benching.)
Dank Buds of the Week:
QB: Eli Manning: I have this cigar box that I bought years ago at a yard sale for a quarter. I decided to use it as a house for a few pipes and a container of bud. It made for easy travel and could be nicely tucked away in a multitude of places. Fifteen years later, that cigar box is still going strong. When I would decide to use the box, it almost always did a masterful job, but there were times when it just wasn’t the right thing to use because it would stink up the place. Eli Manning is my cigar box. I think it is fair to say that in his Hall of Fame career, Manning has mostly been good, but there are plenty of times that he stunk up the place. This will be one of the good weeks, at home, against the porous defense of the New Orleans Saints that have been absolutely shredded by moderately average quarterbacks so far this year. The Saints offense scores so many points that the opponents have no option but to engage in a shootout. After his best game of the season, Eli should be up for this one, considering the Saints secondary has not posed much of a challenge to anyone this season. If you had Jimmy GQ or are dealing with Cam Newton on a bye, this is the week to stream Manning.
RB: Kerryon Johnson: Kerryon Johnson, you my only friend. I will never forget my first time (No, not the first time I laid pipe, rather the first time I got high). I had just turned 12 years old. My best friend (we will call him J) had 4 older brothers. They were always drinking and getting high, but all J and I cared about was playing football. That was until that one Saturday Night Sleepover when J’s oldest brother “forced” me to inhale. I had heard that people never really get stoned the first time they smoke weed, but that was absolutely bullshit. I was high as fuck and I loved every second of it. Kerryon Johnson’s performance last week was akin to the first time I got high, I loved every second of it and want more of it every week. He became the first Lion’s back to hit a hundo since 2013! He is averaging over five yards a carry and is a threat to catch a ball out of the backfield. Adding to that, his versatility out of the backfield is something Detroit has not had in for..ehh..ver. Dallas will be without Sean Lee for this game, and maybe a few others, which should open up plenty of running lanes for the most talented back in Motown.
WR: Allen Robinson: A few years ago, I loved eating edibles. Don’t get it twisted, I still enjoy dabbling a bit, but nothing like before. I used to wake up and eat a brownie or a cookie and then go about my day, waiting for the pleasure to kick in. It was exciting and scary, trying to anticipate when it would all kick in and hoping that it wasn’t at the wrong time or that it didn’t kick me too hard directly in the ass. Allen Robinson reminds me of those edible eating days. In 2015, he was an absolute joy to watch, scary for those that played against him, and the anticipation of what he was going to do next kept me on the edge of my seat. These days, he is still a number one wide receiver, but the excitement isn’t quite there. But I think this week I want to dabble. He gets the Tampa Bay defense that often looks as though they only have 9 guys on the field because everyone seems to be wide open on every play. The Bucs have been torched by the Saints and the Steelers this season and while Mitch Trubisky is no Brees or Big Ben, he should find A-Rob open all day for another game with double digit targets. Eat up!
TE: David Njoku: Last year, for my birthday, I bought myself a present: a new 18-inch bong. This thing looked magnificent. It was truly a piece of art and my level of excitement on the way home was through the roof. I just knew when I fired that bitch up, I was gonna get super faded and it was going to be the best thing ever. I have never been more disappointed in a smoking apparatus in my life. But after a while, I started to love it. It was as if it needed to get broken in for it to hit me right. That fine chiseled bong, is David Njoku. The hype on this guy was almost unparalleled. By any other tight end; he is young, physically-gifted, and will be playing with a quarterback that can get him the ball. Unfortunately, the hype train got derailed fairly quickly. Maybe the conductor dipped into my stash of Kosher Kush. He only has 9 catches on the season, but I fully expect that to change dramatically with Baker Mayfield now behind center. Njoku’s 2 catches for 36 yards in last week’s game both came courtesy of Baker. I have to believe Mayfield’s talent will help showcase Njoku’s. Oakland has been pretty solid against tight ends so far this year, but their opponents had nobody with Njoku’s talent. Baker will be breking him in this Sunday.
Schwag Players of the Week
QB: Marcus Mariota:I have never actually used CBD oil because Tetrehydrocannabinol is greater than Cannabidoil. THC > CBD. I understand the need to get relief from pain while trying to avoid the mind-altering effects of marijuana, but I say fuck that. I want my weed to get me so high I can use it to eliminate any pain AND get me faded as fuck. CBD makes me think of Marcus Mariota and his current physical situation. Allow me to just state facts; he has some nerve dmage in his THROWING ARM which causes numbness in the fingers of his THROWING HAND. This is limiting his ability to grip the ball, meaning there are some throws that he just cant make right now. There is absolutely no way anyone should have him in their lineup this week, even in 2 QB leagues. He has only put up around 10 points TOTAL, so far this season and I don’t think he hits that number this week against the Eagles. Their pass rush is disruptive and nobody wants a QB with a weak hand. Mariota might want to look into CBDs.
RB: Peyton Barber: One of the things I hate the most in regards to cannabis is when the flower looks stunning, but smokes like shit. What I mean, is that the flower is full of crystals, but when you smoke it, it doesn’t really get you high unless you smoke 4 or 5 more bowls of it. I call that type of bud “The Plodder”. The Plodder is very laborious, as it takes a considerable amount of time and effort to get high. Peyton Barber is a fucking plodder. He looks the part, a stout 5’ 11” and 225 pounds, but when I watch him, he just doesn’t have what it takes to be a starting running back in this league. The last 2 weeks, he has 24 carries for 55 yards, for a whopping 2.29 yards per carry. Barber is literally worthless and now he has to travel to Chicago and face the Bears #1 ranked rushing defense. I believe this is the last game Barber will be starting this season if he doesn’t turn in a monster performance. After the week 5 bye, I expect Ronald Jones to get the lion’s share of the carries. This week, tell Barber to plod his ass to the bench, even though you should send him straight to the waiver wire.
WR: Marquise Goodwin: I was just telling someone the other day about the beautiful art of dabbing. Not that stupid dance that Cam Newton popularized for a few days, rather the method of vaporizing concentrated marijuana. I love dropping that wax onto the heated nail and inhaling the vapors until my lungs feel like they are exploding. This stuff hits hard and fast, much like Marquise Goodwin the second half of last season. But now, Goodwin is nothing more than a broken dab rig. This is not a knock to his level of talent; you cannot possibly teach that speed, but the Olympic Cheetah just lost his beloved quarterback for the season to a torn ACL. CJ Beathard is no Jimmy GQ, leaving Goodwin’s fantasy value plummeting. I believe the 49ers will be playing catch-up this week against the San Diego Chargers of Los Angeles, but there is no way that you can put Goodwin in your lineup. Moreover, he is still dealing with the effects of a week one quad injury. The Chargers secondary has been lit up this season, but that was thanks to Pat Mahomes and Jared Goff. Beathard couldn’t even hold any of their jocks.
TE: Jared Cook: I once bought a strain of sativa called GhostTrain Maui. I am much more of an indica person, but was super stoked to give this 2-time Cannabis Cup winner a try. Sadly, I was very disappointed. I chalk it up to a bad batch, but the initial high came and went before I even had a chance to enjoy it (That’s what she said). Jared Cook is the GhostTrain Maui of the NFL. He started this year with 9 catches for 180 yards in the season opener against the Los Angeles Rams, but only has 9 catches for 80 yards the last two weeks. Now he has to face the Cleveland Browns, who have given up the 4 fewest points to tight ends so far this young season. The Raiders have had a different guy lead them in receiving each game this season and the Browns have only given up 97 yards and no TDs to the position. This is not the week for Cook.
Best of luck in Week 4 everyone!!
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