From The Top Shelf: Week 4
By: Fantasy Stoner
#TradeSZN
The time is upon us; it is officially Trade Season in Fantasy Football. I know you are all thinking, “WTF Stoner, it is ALWAYS trade season.” You wouldn’t be entirely right, but you wouldn’t be entirely wrong either. You see, prior to this point in the season, I find trades are made because of injuries or because we are simply infatuated with a player we wanted to draft, but were unable to. But now, at this stage in the season, it is much easier to determine the path of our team. If we have struggled for 3 weeks, it is time to shake things up. If we are dominating, we are looking to add talent to our core without disrupting our success. I love trading. And, in fact, it is probably my favorite aspect of the game, besides talking shit. I love reaching out to the bottom dwellers of the league and seeing if they are ready to sell their studs. I urge you to do the same. Remember, the worst thing that could happen, is they say no. Be sure to respond to trade offers and give feedback because you never know what someone is willing to offer. Everyone should be available for the right price. Happy Trade SZN, ladies and genetlemen.
Without further ado, here are your Dank & Schwag Buds of the week!
(Remember, Dank Buds you should play and schwag buds you should seriously consider benching.)
Dank Buds of the Week:
QB: Eli Manning: I have this cigar box that I bought years ago at a yard sale for a quarter. I decided to use it as a house for a few pipes and a container of bud. It made for easy travel and could be nicely tucked away in a multitude of places. Fifteen years later, that cigar box is still going strong. When I would decide to use the box, it almost always did a masterful job, but there were times when it just wasn’t the right thing to use because it would stink up the place. Eli Manning is my cigar box. I think it is fair to say that in his Hall of Fame career, Manning has mostly been good, but there are plenty of times that he stunk up the place. This will be one of the good weeks, at home, against the porous defense of the New Orleans Saints that have been absolutely shredded by moderately average quarterbacks so far this year. The Saints offense scores so many points that the opponents have no option but to engage in a shootout. After his best game of the season, Eli should be up for this one, considering the Saints secondary has not posed much of a challenge to anyone this season. If you had Jimmy GQ or are dealing with Cam Newton on a bye, this is the week to stream Manning.
RB: Kerryon Johnson: Kerryon Johnson, you my only friend. I will never forget my first time (No, not the first time I laid pipe, rather the first time I got high). I had just turned 12 years old. My best friend (we will call him J) had 4 older brothers. They were always drinking and getting high, but all J and I cared about was playing football. That was until that one Saturday Night Sleepover when J’s oldest brother “forced” me to inhale. I had heard that people never really get stoned the first time they smoke weed, but that was absolutely bullshit. I was high as fuck and I loved every second of it. Kerryon Johnson’s performance last week was akin to the first time I got high, I loved every second of it and want more of it every week. He became the first Lion’s back to hit a hundo since 2013! He is averaging over five yards a carry and is a threat to catch a ball out of the backfield. Adding to that, his versatility out of the backfield is something Detroit has not had in for..ehh..ver. Dallas will be without Sean Lee for this game, and maybe a few others, which should open up plenty of running lanes for the most talented back in Motown.
WR: Allen Robinson: A few years ago, I loved eating edibles. Don’t get it twisted, I still enjoy dabbling a bit, but nothing like before. I used to wake up and eat a brownie or a cookie and then go about my day, waiting for the pleasure to kick in. It was exciting and scary, trying to anticipate when it would all kick in and hoping that it wasn’t at the wrong time or that it didn’t kick me too hard directly in the ass. Allen Robinson reminds me of those edible eating days. In 2015, he was an absolute joy to watch, scary for those that played against him, and the anticipation of what he was going to do next kept me on the edge of my seat. These days, he is still a number one wide receiver, but the excitement isn’t quite there. But I think this week I want to dabble. He gets the Tampa Bay defense that often looks as though they only have 9 guys on the field because everyone seems to be wide open on every play. The Bucs have been torched by the Saints and the Steelers this season and while Mitch Trubisky is no Brees or Big Ben, he should find A-Rob open all day for another game with double digit targets. Eat up!
TE: David Njoku: Last year, for my birthday, I bought myself a present: a new 18-inch bong. This thing looked magnificent. It was truly a piece of art and my level of excitement on the way home was through the roof. I just knew when I fired that bitch up, I was gonna get super faded and it was going to be the best thing ever. I have never been more disappointed in a smoking apparatus in my life. But after a while, I started to love it. It was as if it needed to get broken in for it to hit me right. That fine chiseled bong, is David Njoku. The hype on this guy was almost unparalleled. By any other tight end; he is young, physically-gifted, and will be playing with a quarterback that can get him the ball. Unfortunately, the hype train got derailed fairly quickly. Maybe the conductor dipped into my stash of Kosher Kush. He only has 9 catches on the season, but I fully expect that to change dramatically with Baker Mayfield now behind center. Njoku’s 2 catches for 36 yards in last week’s game both came courtesy of Baker. I have to believe Mayfield’s talent will help showcase Njoku’s. Oakland has been pretty solid against tight ends so far this year, but their opponents had nobody with Njoku’s talent. Baker will be breking him in this Sunday.
Schwag Players of the Week
QB: Marcus Mariota:I have never actually used CBD oil because Tetrehydrocannabinol is greater than Cannabidoil. THC > CBD. I understand the need to get relief from pain while trying to avoid the mind-altering effects of marijuana, but I say fuck that. I want my weed to get me so high I can use it to eliminate any pain AND get me faded as fuck. CBD makes me think of Marcus Mariota and his current physical situation. Allow me to just state facts; he has some nerve dmage in his THROWING ARM which causes numbness in the fingers of his THROWING HAND. This is limiting his ability to grip the ball, meaning there are some throws that he just cant make right now. There is absolutely no way anyone should have him in their lineup this week, even in 2 QB leagues. He has only put up around 10 points TOTAL, so far this season and I don’t think he hits that number this week against the Eagles. Their pass rush is disruptive and nobody wants a QB with a weak hand. Mariota might want to look into CBDs.
RB: Peyton Barber: One of the things I hate the most in regards to cannabis is when the flower looks stunning, but smokes like shit. What I mean, is that the flower is full of crystals, but when you smoke it, it doesn’t really get you high unless you smoke 4 or 5 more bowls of it. I call that type of bud “The Plodder”. The Plodder is very laborious, as it takes a considerable amount of time and effort to get high. Peyton Barber is a fucking plodder. He looks the part, a stout 5’ 11” and 225 pounds, but when I watch him, he just doesn’t have what it takes to be a starting running back in this league. The last 2 weeks, he has 24 carries for 55 yards, for a whopping 2.29 yards per carry. Barber is literally worthless and now he has to travel to Chicago and face the Bears #1 ranked rushing defense. I believe this is the last game Barber will be starting this season if he doesn’t turn in a monster performance. After the week 5 bye, I expect Ronald Jones to get the lion’s share of the carries. This week, tell Barber to plod his ass to the bench, even though you should send him straight to the waiver wire.
WR: Marquise Goodwin: I was just telling someone the other day about the beautiful art of dabbing. Not that stupid dance that Cam Newton popularized for a few days, rather the method of vaporizing concentrated marijuana. I love dropping that wax onto the heated nail and inhaling the vapors until my lungs feel like they are exploding. This stuff hits hard and fast, much like Marquise Goodwin the second half of last season. But now, Goodwin is nothing more than a broken dab rig. This is not a knock to his level of talent; you cannot possibly teach that speed, but the Olympic Cheetah just lost his beloved quarterback for the season to a torn ACL. CJ Beathard is no Jimmy GQ, leaving Goodwin’s fantasy value plummeting. I believe the 49ers will be playing catch-up this week against the San Diego Chargers of Los Angeles, but there is no way that you can put Goodwin in your lineup. Moreover, he is still dealing with the effects of a week one quad injury. The Chargers secondary has been lit up this season, but that was thanks to Pat Mahomes and Jared Goff. Beathard couldn’t even hold any of their jocks.
TE: Jared Cook: I once bought a strain of sativa called GhostTrain Maui. I am much more of an indica person, but was super stoked to give this 2-time Cannabis Cup winner a try. Sadly, I was very disappointed. I chalk it up to a bad batch, but the initial high came and went before I even had a chance to enjoy it (That’s what she said). Jared Cook is the GhostTrain Maui of the NFL. He started this year with 9 catches for 180 yards in the season opener against the Los Angeles Rams, but only has 9 catches for 80 yards the last two weeks. Now he has to face the Cleveland Browns, who have given up the 4 fewest points to tight ends so far this young season. The Raiders have had a different guy lead them in receiving each game this season and the Browns have only given up 97 yards and no TDs to the position. This is not the week for Cook.
Best of luck in Week 4 everyone!!
Hit up the Garage Guys Hotline at 929-430-GGFS with any waiver, trade, start/sit questions or anything else on your mind and follow me on Twitter @FantasyFBStoner.
Patricia joined the Patriot’s coaching staff in 2004 as an offensive assistant. After two years, in 2006, he flipped over to the defensive side of the ball as a linebackers coach. He was named defensive coordinator in 2012, although it’s worth noting that he had been calling the plays on the defensive side since the 2010 season. He retained that position for six years before moving on to become a head coach in the 2018 season. During his time in New England, they saw an enormous amount of success. They won three of their five total Super Bowls together and placed the Patriots dynasty among the elites.
Coming into the season, people didn’t know what to expect from the Lions. They were 9-7 the year before, missing the playoffs, but returning a good team. Mathew Stafford at QB, 
After their contest, despite the outcome, Belichick met Patricia at mid-field for an embrace. It was better than a handshake, but less than a real hug. It was Belichick’s hug, probably the only kind he can give. Quick and to the point, and not a lot of smiling. It shows he cares, but only to a certain extent, because he still wants to beat you.
QB: Jimmy Garoppolo: What can we say about Mr. Steal Your Girl that has not already been said. The most handsome quarterback in the league has not quite lived to the pre-season hype, but bigger and better games are on the horizon. That starts this week against Kansas City. The Chiefs defense has been so porous that I currently have more confidence in a broken condom. Jimmy GQ is currently the equivalent of a beautiful looking strain of weed that fails to deliver when you smoke it. It looks vibrant and sexy, but the high is weak and ugly. But luckily, it was just a bad batch, because the next time you try it, you get high as fuck. We all know the Chiefs are going to score points, with Sideshow Pat Mahomes slinging the ball all over the field. GQ will have to throw to keep pace on the road and with Marquise Goodwin expected back, he has the weapons to provide you with an outstanding fantasy day because the Swiss Cheese Chiefs defense has allowed almost 900 yards and 7 total touchdowns to quarterbacks the first 2 weeks. The game will dictate the Niners abandoned the run game and let The Franchise throw the rock. Start him with extreme confidence.
WR: Keelan Cole: Keelan Cole SZN has officially begun. He was pretty well hyped this off-season after a strong finish in 2017. After an average first game, Cole exploded last week for 7/116/1, including a tremendous OBJ-like one-handed catch. He helped the Jaguars destroy the Patriots and I expect much of the same this week against the Titans who have given up an astronomical number of points to wide receivers so far this season. I never thought I would say this and I am laughing as I type it, but Blake Bortles was firing on all cylinders last week without Leonard Fournette and with him expected back this week, it should make it even easier to get the play-making Cole the ball. Cole reminds me of a weed pen, which allows for ninja smoking. Cole is the ninja of NFL WRs. He is quick and compact and will do some serious damage when used properly.
QB: Andrew Luck: My favorite smoking apparatus in my younger days was my bubbler. The bub is a hybrid of a bong and a bowl and delivers a great hit. But one day, in my stoned haze, I knocked it off the table and cracked the neck. It wasn’t completely broken and I was actually able to get it repaired. Unfortunately, it was never the same afterward. Andrew Luck is my broken bubbler. Prior to his injuries, Luck was the man that was able to make any throw and was a no-brainer when setting your weekly lineup. But times have changed. Luck is not the worst QB to pin your hope to, but he doesn’t seem to have it anymore. His ability to get the ball downfield is practically non-existent. His Air Yards per pass is hovering with the likes of Nathan Peterman and Sam Bradford. He looks like damaged goods to me, much like it felt when I smoked from the broken bubbler after it was repaired. Another thing to worry about is the Eagles defense. I know they were just destroyed by Ryan Fitz-Magic, but they are a much better unit then they showed last week. I believe they are going to be back to being the defense we expected them to be. Stuffing the Colts invisible run game and releasing the pass rushing hounds to disrupt Luck’s short passing game. Keep the broken bub on the shelf this week, there are so many better options out there.
WR: Corey Davis: Corey Davis has been adequate so far this year, but not spectacular. This week he may not only be playing with Blaine Gabbert as his quarterback, but also with Jalen Ramsey in his face all day. I understand he is getting a heavy share of the targets these days, but I want no part of him this week. The Titans don’t just have issues under center, but also on the offensive line with both starting offensive tackles being injured. I am not sure how much time whoever is at QB will have to throw the ball and don’t expect there to be much separation to get the ball to Davis. I know that OBJ and Hogan had solid fantasy days against this formidable defense, but Davis is no OBJ nor does he have Tom Brady throwing to him. My least favorite thing about smoking blunts and joints is when they start boating. Boating, for those not in the know, is when one side starts burning faster than the other. It is quite disappointing when this happens and often ruins the whole experience. This week, Corey Davis is a boating blunt. The only way to fix that blizzy is the keep him on the bench.
Arizona Cardinals: This shouldn’t really have to be said, but it feels necessary at this time. This is definitely not the week to start your Arizona Cardinals. In case you didn’t know, their offense (and I use that term loosely) is a dumpster fire. Oh, and they are playing the Chicago Bears. I know that most of us aren’t even considering starting Sam Bradford. The 90 yards he threw for last week is laughable at this point. He might not hit that number this week with Khalil Mack and Company swarming on every drop back. Larry Fitzgerald is a bit banged up and should be benched. Ricky Seals-Jones has only 7 catches for 36 yards on the year and probably isn’t worth a roster spot right now, let alone a start. This brings me to David Johnson. I love DJ and spoke about it on the Garage Guys podcast this week. He is far too talented to bench, but this week you need to taper expectations. The coaches don’t seem to have a clue how to use him, with their running game emulating that of a shitty high school offense and his non-existence in the passing game. They claim that they want to get him more involved and I am certain it will happen, but it will not be this week. Their best bet is to hope they make it through this week without serious injury and start Josh Rosen week 4 at home against the Seahawks. Rosen is not going to completely change things around, but he will give them way more of a chance than Bradford. Moreover, Rosen will move DJ and Fitz back into the must start realm. Starting anyone on the Arizona Cardinals offense this week would be like buying an ounce of weed, but realizing that it is really oregano.
e field, and has never met his match in terms of a defense he can’t pick apart. Defensive coordinators lose sleep game planning for him, and he’s the key to an offense that is completely built around the way he plays the game. When he is on the field, his team can compete against anyone in the league. When he’s not, they are less than stellar.
the less-than-elite Joe Flacco for 3 TDs. The Chargers actually have more weapons than the Ravens and all of them should be on display this week. I am expecting big games from Melvin Gordon, Keenan Allen and Mike Williams. I also believe Austn Ekeler and Antonio Gates get in the endzone too. All of this will be facilitated by Philip “The Joint” Rivers. I fully expect over 300 yards and at least 3 TDs.
ony and it shattered into a million little pieces. Derek Carr is that destroyed bong. He was once amazing and it was thought he would be fucking people up for a long time, but last season, he shattered. He is now Derek Carr-bage. Monday night proved that he does not have what it takes to be a winner in this league. He not only didn’t complete many passes to the guys lined up outside, he barely even looked their way and he gets to face Von Miller and the Denver Broncos defense. They may not be the unit they have been in the past, but Carr-bage threw 3 picks last week and will throw a few more this week. If he is on your roster, drop him. I would rather have Sam Darnold as a backup QB than Carr-bage.
is the running back to play in the Browns backfield this week. The Saints will score points, the Browns will have to keep pace. Hyde just doesn’t feel to me that he will be a big part of the offense once the Saints get up 14-0 in the first quarter. I also think the Saints defense is better than they showed last week and the Browns will be the first team they feast on. Hyde is a no-go for me this weekend, much like my bubbler. I like it a lot, it just isn’t something I plan on utilizing this weekend.
is only target of the game. I need more than that from a WR2/3 or a flex play. I assume the Jets will do what they can to get Anderson more involved this week, but the Dolphins are not half bad in the secondary and was a tough matchup for WRs last season. Anderson will have his big games, but I fear he will end up more Darrius Heyward-Bey than Kenny Stills-like. Robby is like that gravity bong that you love to use but rarely do. It packs a heavy punch when it shows up, but there just isn’t enough usage to make it relevant.
g to average 4 yards a catch, the least you can do is have 8 reception (right Nelson?) and maybe get in the endzone, but neither of those things happened. That’s the thing with Graham this year, I think he is going to be touchdown dependent. And with Devante Adams, Randall Cobb, GERONIMO, and soon to be Aaron Jones, I am not sure exactly how many Graham targets will end up with as a touchdown. This week, he gets to play against the Minnesota Vikings defense that gave up the least fantasy points per game to the position last season. If he doesn’t score a TD, Graham is as worthless as a broken Bic Lighter next to a giant bowl of danky nugs. You should definitely Puff, Puff, Pass on him this week.
With Sam Darnold grabbing the starting job at QB, this would be the perfect time to add a weapon that could give the New England Patriots a run for their money and help progress a true rebuild in the Todd Boles era. Currently the Jets have $15,451,473 in cap space and we would more than likely see the release of 5 year running back Bilal Powell.
Although the Colts franchise is headed by a “less than stable” owner in Jim Irsay, it sill remains a desirable location for Bell. The offense comes with a returning star in Andrew Luck, who can turn the team around immediately if he can get back to his normal self. There’s the always explosive T.Y. Hilton at WR, who can only benefit from Luck’s return, and an improved offensive line including the sixth overall pick, Quenton Nelson.
